is it ever truly over
by anna42hmr
Summary: Is it ever truly over, or is there a glimmer of hope. could they survive all they have been through?
1. Chapter 1

just a little idea for a new story i have not sure where it will go if any where at the moment:

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is it ever truly over

Im lying in bed i know hes beside me, why oh why do i do it to myself, it never works, we never work, it always ends with me getting hurt, but for some reason its never seems to be truly over. He could take me to hell and back and i end up running back. A few drinks, a nice chat and i seem to let my guard down, the walls that have been built up seem to crumble bit by bit.

I know its a mistake, it would never work, but gluten for punishment here i am again.

I know I cant let this happen again, so slowly and as quiet as possible i get out of the bed, so i dont disturb him, i quickly get dressed and sneak out the room, and down the stairs.

I leave his home and i am outside in the cold and once again the walls are built up, this time stronger and harder than before.


	2. Chapter 2

I knew in the moment I woke up that would happen, just like the three times before, she would get up and leave, try and be as quiet and gentle as possible so I don't notice her disappearance from my arms.

Its strange in the dark of night we can take comfort in each other, have a laugh,.a few drinks, a chat, and on the harder nights shed a few tears, but its like the daylight makes reality hit. I cant help thinking back to all those years ago, when all she wanted to do was stay in my arms after we had been together, how I regret those excuses, that I had to help dad, go and meet my mates, work in the shop and so on. Why couldn't I take the valuable gift she had given me, her time and her love. But like everything back then I took it for granted, messed her around. I know I don't deserve her love, her trust, and this abandonment is only what I deserve but it doesn't stop the pain and loneliness invading my heart when she leaves.

I do what I do everytime she disappears; I get out of bed as soon as she is down the stairs and torture myself with the view of her walking away. This time is different though, she looks back to my window, I know she cant see me but it feels like she can, I take a step back further into the room, but still watch her. I don't know why, but I cant help thinking this is it, as if she is saying a final good bye to us, she shakes her head, places her head in her hands for a few moments.

Its when she raises her head and I can see tears in her eyes, I take the chance of going closer to the window, she has seen me this time, she gives me a wry smile, wipes her tears and walks away. I realise that my gut feeling was right, I doubt I will holder her in my arms again, I kick myself for the chances I had to cherish all we could have had.


	3. Chapter 3

He's watching me, just like always, I don't think he knows I realise that he always does it, if he does know that I know he's always at the window, he's never called me on it. Saying that I've never called him on watching me.

We never talk about what happens, on those nights when we are weak and vulnerable and the walls crumble from around us. He too has walls around him, we are a right pair, which is why it is the way it has to be nothing more than the occasional indulgence of allowing comfort in each other. The rest of the time we go on as normal, I would describe us as mates, but it's a strange friendship we have developed, mainly based on need, grief and love, but also distrust at the same time.

I can't let myself fall in love with him again. I laugh at that, whom am I fooling; you can't fall in love with someone you never fell out of love with. Oh there have been others, some serious, some not, most notably I guess was Craig and Elliott. But well I know what happened with them! Even if Craig had not been gay, or if Elliott hadn't finished with me, they wouldn't have worked, neither would any of the others in the last year.

I note with Irony that the same pub I just sneak out of was once the home of one of my other boyfriends, that that was the room (though thankfully not the bed) that I used to spend time with him, but the emotion never ran as deep as this. I tried to make myself believe I was in love with him, and part of me was, but I never really let go of Him.

Craig was sweet, kind, secure, uncomplicated, but most of all safe (or so I thought). As for Elliott too, it was short and sweet, we were polar opposites but that's what attracted to me, if I am honest it was also safe, there wasn't all the girls around competing for his affection, not like when I was with Him, there always seemed to be some girl their in the background ready to step in, its amazing how paranoia can set it.

They were all the things back then Rhys couldn't be for me. I could believe they wouldn't hurt me, or betray me, or manipulate me like Rhys had the power to do. The number of times I kicked myself for it, and here I am yet again like a puppet on a string, with him the puppet master.

I long to stay in his arms, to wake up with him holding me, kissing me, laughing with me, and going outside holding hands being a normal couple but I know that's never going to work, we are both have to many wounds and emotional scars, have too much history for it to ever work. Not to mention dad would hit the roof, I doubt he would ever accept us together not after what happened between him and mum. They've come to some sort of truce over the years, what with Amy and Josh being together, but that would be a step way to far as far as dad would be concerned.

That's why with some reluctance and tears that I vow to myself that never again would this happen, no matter how much we need each other, I cant do this again, I cant let myself get drawn into this again. Its not fair on either of us, we are doomed in the long run to keep hurting each other.


	4. Chapter 4

I have managed to keep my vow from that night twelve weeks ago, it was hard, with us working together now and then, after Hannah passed away eight months ago, it was hard for us all, I was broken, my best friend had gone. It was just me and Nancy now, Nic was off having her own life, we saw each other now and then, but since she moved from the village, it had been harder to keep up contact with each other.

The last time the four of us were together was the weekend Nance and Nics locked Hannah and I loo, just to make us speak again. After Elliott and the nasty things I said to her, and ruining her dress, we had fallen out, for four months we barely said a word.

It was my fault I know, I was such a cow to her. I deserved it, I know that. Out of desperation Nance called Nicks, who came and stayed at her and Russ's flat for a few days and concocted the plan. I am so grateful that they did it, I was furious at the time, however we were friends again, if only I knew how precious those last few weeks would be, as seven weeks after us making up was when tragedy struck.

I know Rhys blames himself for the accident, he shouldn't, but he does, how was he to know some drunk idiot would run through red lights and sideswipe the car Hannah was killed on impact, she felt no pain according to the doctors. Why the hell do they tell you that, as if that makes the loss any better.

That's how we started again, both of us handled the loss in the most stupid of ways, we found solace in the bottom of a bottle, or a shot glass or a can, what ever it took. We were all destroyed, both Hannahs family and friends, her mum took it really bad, Suzanne went into major depression for a while, she never left her room for weeks, Neville was going through the motions, almost in denial behaving as if nothing had happened.

One drunken night Rhys just lost it with Neville screaming that he cant have cared about Hannah, how can he still think of running the pub and act as normal when his sister was in a grave, his mum not moved and his brother couldn't bare to be home, he started throwing glasses around the pub. Rhys then all of a sudden just folded into a ball, wrapped his arms around himself and sobbed with emotion I never thought he was capable of. Neville tried to put his arms around him, but he shrugged them off, and ran out.

I saw him leave and my heart broke for him, no matter how much grief I felt or the past that had happened, I was still in love with him and he needed me, I went out looking for him, the cold air suddenly sobering me up. It took a while to find him, but when I did he was at the park sitting on the swing set, motionless. I on the swing beside him in silence for a little while, just in each others presence. He then did what I never thought he would do, he moved his hand out for me to take it, just that one attempt at connecting with someone, asking for help and comfort, I couldn't deny it. No matter the bad between us, there was always a connection.

I took his hand for a while, then not letting go I stood up from my swing, and walked in front of him, all of a sudden his arms were around my waist, his head against my chest sobbing against my body. I ran my hands up and down his back in an attempt to soothe him, but it ended up with me collapsing onto his lap with the two of us sobbing with all the emotion we had in out bodies, him for his sister, me for my best friend.

From that night now and then, unbeknownst to anyone else, we sought comfort in one another's arms. Sometimes like that last night twelve weeks ago, it would end up with us in bed, others we would just sit staring at the water on the canal just next to each other, or one of us just holding the other whilst we broke down in grief.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up this morning feeling like death warmed up. But knowing I had to work at The Dog, I had to drag myself up with all the effort I could draw from within me. Since going off the rails after Hannah, my modelling career had taken a bit of a nose dive, I missed a couple of shoots, so the agency was careful what they sent me too, not that I cared, I couldn't care about anything, I was completely numb inside except those few precious hours I was with him.

Over the last few months or so though, I started to get myself together a bit more, so luckily the agency started to put me up for more work again. I wasn't working as much as before though, as with my college work it was getting a bit much, so it was mainly during the holidays and weekends that I was going to London or Manchester for shoots now.

As a bit of extra cash, I helped the Ashworths at the pub, with Hannah gone they needed the help, plus it was good for me and Suzanne in a way. We had become close after she started to come out of the deepest part of her depression, almost a surrogate mum to me now that mine was out of my life, and I guess for Suzanne I'm a link to Hannah. The only problem was it made it hard to avoid Rhys. Since that night twelve weeks ago, I have done my best to distance us, not that its easy, not only with us working some of the same shifts, but also with him living upstairs. I sometimes feel him watching me, he knows that I have put the barriers back up between us, and I sometimes think I can see the hurt and love in his eyes for me, or is that wishful thinking.

I hate the distance, but it's the only way I can protect myself, when he is making love to me or holding me, it's the most amazing thing, I am alive, happy in a strange way. Its after that kills me, the loneliness the shame and awkwardness. That still doesn't stop me wanting to just hold on to him and never let him go, especially in those quiet times at the pub when its just us and our thoughts.

Dads doing breakfast for him and Zoe, he offers me some, but the thought of food suddenly makes it worse, and I rush as fast as I can for the bathroom, I thank god it is empty as I sit bowing my head over the toilet.


	6. Chapter 6

Theres a knock on the door, I know its her as shes' due on shift in 5 minutes. God why does dad have to go to the brewery now. Its getting too hard being around her, all I have wanted to do is beg her to try again, to be able to hold her and for her to allow me back in her heart, but the distance is growing all the more between us as the weeks go on.

I cant help but wish that last night together I hadn't pretended to be asleep, that I got passed my fear and told her what I was so afraid to do. No that's a lie, it wasn't that that I feared, but the look of pity in her eyes, the rejection I new would come. I couldn't risk loosing what little we had, I've lost too much as it is, not just Hannah, but also Beth and Noel, not to mention I almost lost Gilly, thank god he came round and forgave me in the end, and for a while I thought I lost my family after Hannahs death as we just seemed to collapse and shut ourselves in our own world of grief.

Beth, god that was a disaster, that should never have happened, it was wrong and I've been paying the price since, everyone looks at me differently, even She sometimes does if I allow myself to admit it. Not to mention that the first real "girlfriend" since Beth turned out to be a fraud, her games made me not trust any one at all, it was just a charade, she was an "undercover" reporter, trying to get a story, made me believe she could accept who I was, and the past, what a joke that was, all she wanted was the inside scoop, she didn't care about me, not like Sarah does, or should I say did?

The irony is, that not facing that fear that night, has made a larger distance between us, she no longer looks me in the eye and asks me if I am ok, I can no longer whisper that I need her, I used to think she realised that after Hannah's death it wasn't for the sex that I wanted to be with her, that I needed her love, her smile, her laughter, her comfort, but looking at the distance between us, I wonder if that's what she believes. To be honest, if she does I only have myself to blame, I know their were times I used her all those years ago when she was 16 and I 19. That seems a lifetime ago now, she is 20, soon to be 21, and here I am a 24 year old still living at home, the leper of the village to some degree, working for mum and dad and alone.

When I open the door, I take her in, occasionally watching her now, when she doesn't know is the only thing I can do now, god that sounds stalkerish, I just miss her so much. I notice shes looking pale, and whilst she still looks beautiful to me, I can tell she seems to be under the weather.

"You OK? You don't look too good"

"Thanks" she replies with a look that could kill

"No, you look as gorgeous as ever, just a bit pale, you coming down with something? Or heavy night last night?" I say jokingly with a leer that she knows I'm only teasing.

"Just feel ill this morning, I think I may have ate something that disagreed with me, I'll be fine in a bit"

Sure enough, after an hour or two she was right as rain, and whilst it was awkward with us initially on shift together, we managed to work side by side professionally and in a comfortable companionship for the first time since THAT night.


End file.
